when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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