Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
