I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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