Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
