sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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