I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize