it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
