I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize
