boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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