I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
