Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
