Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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