I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
