I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
