If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize