At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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