remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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