The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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