Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
