Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm like, not good at living.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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