Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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