Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize