If that was your dad, he is hot
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
