Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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