Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
do nipples grow back?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
