Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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