im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
