I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
