Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
