Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
At least life still wants to fuck me.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
