puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
