You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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