Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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