I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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