you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
