my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Holy sore nipples Batman
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
