I'm lost and stupid without you.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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