Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
