He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
this just has baby written all over it
We just shotgunned beers for America
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
