Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
