No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
