Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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