I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
