my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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