I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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