Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
My day in three words: secret purse cake
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
