i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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