Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Someone signed my nipple.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
