omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
