you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize