You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
