Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
is it fun? or sober?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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