So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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