and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
